Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Life Plan

Everyone, at some point, says the words, “I thought my life would turn out differently.” Whether the tone is regretful or contemplative or content depends on their current life satisfaction. For instance, I just realized yesterday that I have never made a decision without considering someone’s opinion other than my own. Because of this, I can’t begin to figure out what I want to do. I can’t even function as a real person. I certainly never thought my life would look like that: a series of decision made on the basis of the expectations of others. Others said I would go far no matter what I did. I took comfort in that. Now I realize that if I never do anything, then I can’t go far in it. If I never finish anything, choose anything, try to be anything...well, I can’t live up to those words. Ask me a hundred times six months ago, and I would tell you the same thing - I will be in the second quarter of the number one special education program in the country. Ask me a hundred times a year ago - I’ll be living it up with my best friends, not dating anyone special. Ask me a hundred times three years ago - architectural intern working on my Master’s. Nowhere did I say, “Nashville, there’s the place I’m going to be,” or, “Working three jobs with no direction and not in school.” Everyone always told me I would succeed, so how could I think that I would fail. Now I am an angry, lonely, dropout nanny/cashier/petsitter who is moving home to feel comfortable surrounded by family and friends. Nothing excites me. I don’t see a bright shining future when I think about writing professionally, teaching at a university, substitute teaching, or franchising a cupcake store. My hopes have been squashed by my own good intentions. I’m left here. There is no crossroads, no open window. There is just my life, different than I planned.

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