Need Some Help People!!!!

Hey everyone,

If you could, please tell me what is on your bucket list. What would you like to do before you die? I need your answers to complete this list for Jack:

1. Go to the movies with friends 2. Have a best friend 3. Go to college 4. Cross the street 5. Be part of a group 6. Live alone 7. Hold a job 8. Have a sleepover 9. Have a drink 10. Text message 11. Vote 12. Buy my own clothes 13. Have a kid 14. Drive 15. Get married 16. Tell how someone is feeling 17. Tell when someone is teasing 18. Have the doctor talk to me 19. Look people in the eye 20. Tell a joke to make people laugh 21. Have a girlfriend 22. Make a whole room laugh 23. Have an iPad 24. Go on a bike trip 25. Be in a regular class 26. Learn Karate 27. Climb a mountain 28. Travel on an airplane 29. Go to the beach 30. Help a sick person 31. Build a model car 32. Complete a math problem 33. Complete a project I started 34. Raise my hand in class 35. Have the most songs on my Ipod 36. Make it in the yearbook 37. Join a sports team 38. Run a mile 39. Live to be 100 40. Write my own story 41. Go sledding 42. Have a brother or sister 43. Make a youtube video 44. Have a facebook 45. Stay at home by myself 46. Use a stove 47. Have a surprise party 48. Ride a horse 49. Eat dessert for breakfast 50. Learn to dance

51. Go to a school dance 52. Go to a football game 53. Have a REAL girlfriend 54. Be a movie extra 55. Have a conversation 56. Teach someone something 57. Swim with dolphins 58. Ride an elephant 59. Learn to snowboard 60. Get straight As 61. Make Mom and Dad proud 62. Be on t.v. 63. Win the lottery 64. Get picked first 65. Be famous 66. Set a world record 67. Live at the beach 68. Work in a restaurant 69. Own a nice watch 70. Own a car 71. Buy a car 72. Go camping 73. Be a Boy Scout 74. Go fishing 75. Go on a submarine 76. Go to a casino 77. Watch a movie marathon 78. Meet a famous person 79. Play video games 80. Save a life 81. Donate blood 82. Go to Australia 83. Go to the Alps 84. Read Harry Potter 85. Die of old age 86. Get a cell phone 87. Meet the President 88. Go to Disney World 89. Fly a plane 90. Have a brother or sister 91. Dye my hair 92. Have long hair 93. Graduate with honors 94. Join a club 95. Be part of a group 96. Go to camp 97. Have no limitations 98. Go to space 99. Do a cartwheel 100. Go to Africa

The Canal

She casually mentions one hundred dollars. You do the math in your head and realize your mistake. All of this while staring down the road like a horse with blinders. The hysteria starts. Usually there is just a twinge of annoyance. Today it is full-blown hyperventilating speech. “I-don’t-have-that-why-wasn’t-I-notified-there-is-no-way-I-can-pay-that.” All on the way to your barely-rent paycheck that eats up eighty dollars in gas per week. You panic and hang up on her while she is explaining your “options.” Later you’ll feel guilty for that.

The steering wheel is shaking. Your shoulders start to ache with stiffness. Your chin starts to vibrate and without sobbing three tears start to fall from each eye. You can only stare unblinkingly as your exit passes and the silence before your sobs stretches on. Only once you’ve made three wrong turns to get back on the highway does it start.

It’s like a hiccup with an asthma attack attached. You choke back nonexistent vomit as your glasses start to fog up from the hotness of your tears. Your shaking hands move them once to your head, then to the seat, then as the sun sears your pupils back on your nose. Then back to your head as they fog. You begin to grasp at the wheel, your planner, your phone, your glasses. You can barely see.

You drive at twenty miles per hour until you get to your parallel parking space, without accident or incident. You wipe and wipe and sob and sob but there is no end to the stream of tears.

Notice that your nose isn’t stuffed up. Remember when you realized the only way to effectively cry is upright, otherwise you can’t breathe. Remember that all the times your eyes were red-rimmed and wet, no one noticed you were upset but you, and if they did no one mentioned it. Bringing personal problems wot work is not your style. Having personal problems is your style.

Think about calling in sick and driving home in the non-stop traffic to sleep some more, but think of the people who have now seen your car, the money you stand to earn, the buoyancy of having colleagues, and the fact that people don’t notice and don’t comment on red-rimmed eyes (but perhaps assume drugs are involved or a lack of sleep). Walk, head down with avoidant eyes, to what is, at least, an open door.

Caught - A Short

Were you, perhaps, born in a time that you were not meant for? Pushed out under a sun that was too bright for your wise eyes or too old for your new perspective. Then you can be a writer. Then you can wend the pages that are what you see. Your readers will "ooh" and "aah" at your new fangled ideas or your twist on the past and they will wonder who comes up with this stuff. Creativity is only living in a world that doesn't understand you. Only seeing shadows of a better time everywhere.

Holding On - A Short

My boyfriend holds my hand like he’s trying to break my fingers. He has to be on the bottom, “Because it’s warm,” he says. And then he curls my fingers around into his fist.

I like to believe that appendages are meant to be inert. That my hand it meant to be palm up with just the slightest curl. That it should feel like floating.

When holding hands, palm side down is fine, like a protective covering over the other hand. I like to sandwich too. One hand cupping his palm and the other covering his knuckles. Just enough to rub my thumb over his veins, tense and twisting around to squeeze my fingers.

Breath(e)

The last one was tacks. A whole bunch of tacks clicking together in my mouth, not stabbing me but filling it up and making it hard to breath. Pulling them out, scraping them off my tongue just caused more to take their places. Eventually I start to panic, trying hard to fill my mouth with air. When I open my eyes it is like coming up from water. I’ve been holding my breath. I gasp and start and fear more sleep.

Perhaps I said something biting, tactless. Or perhaps it was tactful but inappropriate. Maybe I just hurt someone’s feelings or got mad for no reason. If my dreams are another world, it is a cruel, cruel alternate universe.

I used to wear those invisalign retainers to bed, but I stopped because every night they would stack up like chinese dolls and I would spend dream hours pulling them out one by one. Knowing it was a dream, I would try and try, assuming that eventually I would pull out the actual one in my mouth and the panic would end. I usually woke up with my teeth clenched together and again, holding my breath. That’s when I stopped wearing them.

Then it was sand. Dirt. Something I scraped out of my mouth with my fingernails. I tried to get it out of the back of my throat, the inside of my cheeks, the spaces between my teeth. I’d force myself to breathe in my dream, but it was shallow and ineffective. I’d try to close my mouth around the substances and breath from my nose, but there was too much of the stuff. I’d awake with a sharp intake of breath and a shot up in bed.

The worst time it was just my tongue. It would swell and swell and swell until it was sticking out of my mouth, blocking my airway. I would try to bite it, or poke at it with my fingers to make room for air. My nose would feel clogged as well. These times could be a clear analogy of me talking too much or sticking my foot in my mouth. Waking up, realizing you’ve been clenching your jaw and not breathing, makes you want an explanation. I would search through every rotten thing I’ve ever done, looking for the words that caused the dream. I would stifle it.

Mostly I would just breathe. When I get angry, I try to breathe. When I’m arguing with someone, I try to breathe. Revenge will come to me if I say those words. If I’m impulsive. It is amazing how pleasant of a thing breathing is when your body revolts against you in the night. And you don’t know why. So perhaps you just stop talking.

The Perfect Party Analogy

I have somehow combined my knowledge of successful art and my experience partying and party planning to create the Perfect Party Analogy.

This all started because my younger sister is turning 21, and she asked for my advice on what to do for her birthday party. This analogy arose out of the depths of my mind (you know, one of those file folders that you haven't seen in awhile and accessed only through playing a lot of sudoku so your neural pathways don't close). In psych they always called the brain a filing system. The more organized the easier access to thoughts/memories.

Anyway off topic. The first rule of painting and drawing I ever learned (before I decided I like abstract art better) was that there must always be something going on in the foreground, middle-ground, and background of a composition. This applies mainly to painting or drawing landscapes, but also works for still life and photography. The idea for art is that the brain will process the most important part of what it is seeing if it doesn't recognize anything unusual beforehand. Some artists take advantage of this by inputting mysteries into the background of their work (think the uneven skyline in daVinci's Mona Lisa). Most artists just leave it as it should be, background. It helps you see what is important.

Okay so enough about art. There are many types of people, from loners to joiners to dependents. There is a chance that so many types of people will show up to a party. The point is to please everyone's taste. This is very hard to do when you don't necessarily know everyone 100% (think frat party or housewarming). This is where the basic analogy applies. Every party needs a foreground, middle-ground, and background. For my examples, I will use what I explained to my sister, but hopefully it will be general enough to apply to any party or event.

Let's start with the background. This is for loners and/or people who have trouble being social with strangers. It is for everyone technically, but it makes these people feel comfortable. They feel included without having to force their way in. Essentially, something must be going on for the whole length of the party that is easy, includes everyone, and most importantly, that can be taken or left. This is something that can be done religiously if one so chooses, but can also be ignored for the most part and done only occasionally. If you're confused by what I mean, here is the example. At any party where there is drinking, and good background event is a television show drinking game (particularly one invented by the host involving a well-known show or movie that they have access to). My sister happens to love Dexter, so that's what I suggested. I've never seen the show, but here are some specific examples: (1) House says something snarky, (2) Zombies appear in The Walking Dead, (3) David Caruso makes a terrible pun and takes off his sunglasses on CSI: Miami. A couple of rules for this: TV works better than movies, because there are tons of episodes with similar themes, pick something that happens often enough to not get boring, but not so often that your guests will be vomiting after one episode. This type of game allows for people to just sit on the couch and watch and drink, occasionally calling out other people to pay attention and drink as well. However, if no one pays attention most of the time, it can just be funny when other things get dull or a specific guest wants to drink with the host. Obviously this is only one type of example, but think about the clothespin game from baby showers, buffet meals at holiday parties, or even just music or a football game in the background. See how this interacts with what is going on the in the middle-ground and foreground but doesn't overwhelm it to become front and center.

Middle-ground. This is for the joiners and/or socially independent people. It is technically for everyone, but it is mostly for frequent party-goers and people who are occasionally the center of attention, but don't need to be (my best friend is like this and I aspire to be like her). This is something that a group of people can be involved in, but has distinct beginning and ends unless you're just a spectator (in which case it could go on all night). These events are many (as in all of the events going on in the center/middle-ground of a painting, they can include spectators, and usually they have a bit of competition involved. They are not the most important thing going on (that would be in the foreground), but they contribute directly to it. Here is the 21st birthday party example: DRINKING GAMES. Beer pong, Kings, Beer Hockey, Quarters, Asshole, Up the River-Down the River, Cornhole, Baseball, GolfFuck the Dealer, etc. etc. As I said, these games can oscillate between being front and center (if the host is playing) or a nice rhythmic middle-ground. Remember: Anyone can play, anyone can watch, no one has to play or watch. They are simply available. Other examples of middle-ground can be trivia games, cooking, football at Thanksgiving, etc.

The foreground is the main attraction, and depends on the type of party. It is for the "main character" and their dependents. It is again for everyone, but mainly focuses on the host/celebrant and their closest friends. These people are not usually very social or they don't know many of the other guests. Their comfort zone is with the person who invited them. Anyone can join in, which makes it a good way to get the dependents to meet some new people. It also prevents them from leaving early or getting mad, or crowding the host. For example, when the host is challenged to a game of beer pong (this is when middle-ground activities meet the foreground). What I explained for my sister is that whatever she is doing at her birthday party is what people will want to be involved in. They came to celebrate with her, so if she is taking shots with a group, playing a game, or eating dinner, that is what the other guests will be watching and doing. It allows her to circulate and for each person to share something with her. This is obvious for any party that has a main character (a birthday, graduation party, wedding). For other parties, it is usually an event, like present-opening at Christmas, or simply a conversation, like asking about home improvements of a new homeowner. The foreground is always there, and it is the most important thing going on.

Okay, so there is my analogy, perfectly developed in the twenty seconds it took me to respond to my sister's question. Guess my synapses are working alright, despite all the drinking :). Party on my friends, party on.

A Certain Haziness

There is a haziness that overcomes a person who does one of three things:
1. Takes an afternoon nap
2. Drinks just a bit too much
3. Spends a whole day in the sun (for me, this is usually while at the beach)

For me at least, the haziness is always the same. The body is slow and sore, but not in pain. Every position is a comfortable one, whether your head is cutting off the circulation to your arm or your neck is twisted painfully to the size and elevated. Your eyelids are heavy, but they feel just as normal open as closed. Those, plus the temperature. It must be just right, like bathwater. Warm enough to wear a bathing suit or sleep with no sheet, but with a breeze that makes it cool enough not to get sweaty. This haziness...well, it's my favorite thing.

Only within this haziness does everything make sense. Life is not stressful, the future and the past are not there. All that is, is this moment when the blur overtakes your body and your mind settles on the steady rhythm of sleep, conversation, or waves. My dreams are always good. My speech always witty.

The second best part of the haze is the disorientation. Now, one would think that to be disoriented is to be in a negative state of mind. This simply isn't the case for the blur/haze.
1. After waking up from the most amazing dreams and being in the cloud of comfort, there is a bit of disappointment (which is when most people decide to sleep just a bit longer), but then there is a clarity. All of the imagination and creativity comes rushing back to the brain. It is ready to plan and remember. The mind is disoriented from stress and negativity.
2. While drinking a bit too much, there is a clarity of speech. People say things when they are drinking that are unguarded. Most of the time, it isn't such a big deal that they were said. The sober mind believes certain things are inappropriate, ill-timed, or damaging. The buzzed mind considers people only: interprets their facial expressions, explains more clearly, avoids arguments. The mind is disoriented from social rules and selfishness.
3. After spending a whole day in the sun, there is simply a clarity. The mind is free to see only the things right in front. To appreciate the waves and the sand, the murmurs of family, the numbness of the body. The mind is disoriented from little pains and annoyance. It is happy just to be.

Others may not agree with my moments of clarity, my haziness (after all, it is different for everyone), but I think there are a few appreciators I can count on, even if they have never quite put it into words before. I hope I have described their feelings accurately. I can only truly say for myself.